Raising Empowered Kids: Nurturing the Art of Saying No
When children say no, it's not defiance. It's self-advocacy. And when we teach children they can't say no to adults, we may be raising future adults who find it very hard to say no to anyone.
Three Ways We Unintentionally Create People Pleasers
1. The unintended outcome: future people pleasers
Do you recall moments from your own childhood when you wanted to say no but felt scared? When we teach our children that they can't say no to authority figures, we might be raising adults who struggle to stand up to peer pressure, bullies, or leaders who abuse their power.
2. Wiring their brains to associate "no" with danger
Why does a child saying no feel so triggering? The negative undertone associated with the word has been conditioned from our own upbringings. We learned that "no" signals defiance, rather than self-advocacy. Stop for one minute and ask yourself: why are we conditioned to believe our children saying no is bad?
3. Unintentionally telling them their voice doesn't matter
When we encourage children to embrace saying no, we're also fostering their ability to tune into their inner feelings and instincts. When we dismiss their no as invalid, we unintentionally convey that their instincts are not welcome, and that they cannot trust their inner compass.
When we allow kids to say no to us, we're teaching them that accepting no from others is not a personal attack.
Allowing "No" Does Not Mean Being Permissive
Just because our children say no doesn't mean we let them run wild without rules. We can acknowledge that our child is pushing back, and use empathy and connection to find the yes together.
Here's a common scenario: your child is deeply engrossed in play, and when it's time to leave, you hear a firm "No!" This is entirely understandable. But here's the thing: we're the adults with more developed brains, and that means we've got a job to do.
A Step-by-Step Guide
Get curious about the need behind the no. All behaviour is communication of a met or unmet need. Start by asking why. Share your own need too: "I'm running late for an appointment and I need us to leave now so I can arrive on time."
Make them feel heard and seen. Show them their voice is valid and important: "I understand you don't want to go. That makes sense. You're having a great time." Acknowledge that doing hard things is hard. And that we can do hard things.
Connection is the secret ingredient. Imagine your boss yelling a request from their office versus coming over and kindly asking for help. You see the difference. The same goes for your child. People respond better when they feel respected and valued.
Be their emotional anchor. If your child gets emotional, stay calm and grounded. Children are learning to regulate their emotions until around age 12. They often need our support to do so.
Lastly, pay attention to what kind of request the child is saying no to. Does it respect their boundaries, their body, and their humanity? A useful question to ask yourself: how would I react if someone asked me to do what I am asking of this child?
If you find it hard to manage your emotions when your child says no, don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. And it is absolutely something we can work on together.