I spent years thinking consequences would teach my children. Time outs. Lectures. "You should know better." It made sense. That's how most of us were raised, and it's what we were told works. But here's what I've learned: consequences don't build skills. They build shame.

When children say no, it's not defiance. It's self-advocacy. And when we teach children they can't say no to adults, we may be raising future adults who find it very hard to say no to anyone.